All posts by Cullen M. M. Waters

Internet humorist, Writer of Speculative Fiction, movie reviewer, and all around good guy

Month of Horror (II): Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Okay, let’s cut to the chase.

Back in ye olden days there was a very friendly barber who liked to entertain a certain sort of clientle. Ones without friends. Ones without family. Ones without the sense of keeping their money safe elsewhere.

He gives these lucky few a very close shave, then sends them next door to his partner in crime. A baker who makes the darnedest meat pies. And the money the barber makes from this he splits with the baker.

In theory.

It’s a decent scam. Right up until the barber starts getting ideas above his station…

That all said, this flick isn’t anything new. Not a fair comment, as it was made in 1936, but sadly we’re not in 1936, now are we? You know where the story is going and it seldom strays from the path. Plus it doesn’t cut into the material quite as much as it should.

The acting is decent enough. It’s well paced and performed, and despite familiarity it does have a bit of tension to it. None of which would never have saved it from obscurity, mind you.

Well, further obscurity. It’s not up on anyone’s best of the best list.

What saves the picture and makes it worth looking up is the guy playing the barber. This is Tod Slaughter, ham extraordinaire. The smirks he gives… the laughs he makes… man. He’s something.

Sweeny Todd doesn’t quite let him off the leash. He is much, much more entertaining in the later Crimes in the Dark House. Still, he makes a good showing as the villain and is worth seeking out despite the averageness of the proceedings.

Month of Horror (I) – Chainsaw Bunny

I was, and still am, a big fan of the short Chainsaw Maid. It’s the classic tale of a young maid defending the family she works for from invading zombies with some weapon or tool or another, I don’t know, I can’t remember everything. Short, about six minutes in length. Perfect for a Month of Horrors series.

I should know.

I’ve used it before.

And I was going to use it again to start of this years attempt. Buuut I saw this sequel, Chainsaw Bunny. And as I hadn’t watched it before, I went with it instead.

Spoilers from here on.

The short starts with a young Bunny Girl (waitress type) out on the street trying to lure in custom to her bar. She runs into one man, a smiling, friendly sort, whom seems interested.

Unfortunately this guy has a tentacle for a tongue. We’ll call him Hentai from here on out.

The Bunny girl leads Hentai inside. There we find behind the bar but Chainsaw Maid herself (from here Chainsaw Bunny).

It’s not clear if this really is the same girl as from the earlier short, as the clay model they use isn’t identical. Let’s just go with it, as it explains later events.

Hentai doesn’t waste much time with romance. He tries to eat our favorite Chainsaw lady, first by grabbing her with a tentacle then pulling her into a fanged mouth. Her friend manages to help Our Hero escape and between the two of them they brutally kill their attacker.

Except it doesn’t stick.

Tentacles spring from Hentai’s remains. In short order they reform into multiple Hentais.

Multiple naked Hentais. Which we see on full display.

Gee.

Thanks.

The two Bunnies run into the backroom with the world’s nastiest streakers in full pursuit. There, for reasons known only to the writer, Chainsaw Bunny keeps her chainsaw.

Doesn’t bar?

Chainsaw Bunny goes to work and is as efficient as ever with her weapon of choice. But the Hentais are still able to attack even chopped up. Before she knows it, Our Hero is on the ground, about to die. Or worse.

That’s when the other Bunny returns to the fray. With an Ax.

Call her Ax Bunny.

Between the two of them, the Hentais are defeated. But oh no! There’s a cop at the front door! The two of them are covered in blood with no way of explaining themselves!

Fear not, for the cop turns out to be another Hentai.

Relieved, Ax Bunny and Chainsaw Bunny attack!

Which is how the short ends.

It’s not a bad short. It’s rather entertaining.

It’s just not as good as Chainsaw Maid. That worthy had a better, more coherent story. More personality for the characters, which leads to caring more about what happens to them.

In fairness Chainsaw Maid runs is about a minute longer. Still, it’s compelling in ways this short can’t even hope for.

That said I still found Chainsaw Bunny a gory, fun little romp. Worth a watch, even with all the plot points revealed.

Going Solo: Setting up Caught in the Rain

Okay, enough of not using this blog. I’m paying money for it, let’s get my money’s worth.

Not long ago I discovered a new concept… well, new to me, at any rate. It’s called Solo RPG, and, as the name suggests, it’s me playing an RPG by myself.

There’s a surprising amount of these things, as it turns out, but the one thing they tend to have in common is there’s a potential for a lot of writing. Which, with this being a Writer’s Journal (really!) means the potential for posts.

Thus.

I have two systems to try out. Well, three, but I’m not sure about the third. Of the other two I’m trying the easiest looking one, a game called Caught in the Rain by Nicholas Robinia. Which, as I read the rules, I seem to find a distinct lack of rain references.

I picked this up because it was a mystery game that could be set in any genre and, as I had little experience with Solo RPGs, I wondered how the mystery part would be handled. See, you’re supposed to get yourself a deck of cards, separate the Royal suits, then from them take out three unknown cards for the solution. Sort of like Clue. You slowly lose cards until you can guess the answer.

Now I expected more meat to the broth, but basically beyond a few prompts every single detail comes from me. Even the right answers. The trick, though, is whether or not I guess the unknown cards right. If I do, my solution is the right one. If not, my character doesn’t solve the case, getting things wrong somehow. Which, if I’m reading things right, I decide on my lonesome.

Now there’s a whole deal about setting up a character, stats and what not, but I’m going to keep that in the background. This, after all, is not a game review site. For the most part I’m going to play the game out and record it here as narrative.

That said, I intend to talk a little about how things are run as I go to explain why somethings happen the way they do.

Let’s talk about the character, the setting, and what the mystery is. All of this is bare basics; we’ll get into the story proper next time.

I decided to use the Fantasy Genre for my first game. There’s a whole bunch of charts where you roll some dice and get some prompts.. This, therefore, is the guy.

My character is Hawk, an optimistic sort of fellow. One of my rolls says he has an obligation: prepare for war. No idea what that means. Let’s say he’s a mercenary. He’s off duty now, but has a possible job heading down the pike he’s prepping for. As this is Fantasy, I’m thinking he’s good with a sword.

There’s a mechanic dealing with Keywords that can have an effect on play. My character has something called a Signature Keyword that can be used multiple times to solve problems. Given the environment I gave Hawk Sword play. Will this help him solve his mystery? Who knows at this point?

Now what’s the mystery? Well, Hawk has been hired to head to a battlefield, where a possessed guide has deteriorated.

This is what you get rolling dice for random story elements.

What the hell does all this mean? Come back next time and find out.

(Don’t you just love how I talk like there’s actually people still reading this blog?)

Little Rule

I’m not a fan of Horror Comedies, mainly because most of them come from a place of contempt and distain for the genre. Club Dread, I think, is a fine example of the subgenre, as is Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

Bloodbath at the House of Death, however, is not. Outside the giggle of hearing Vincent Price curse, there’s nothing about it I found funny. In fact I left it more than a little irritated. Not Scary Movie irritated–oh God why did I watch that film–but irritated.

Bear in mind it’s been decades since I watched it. Closest I’ve come to a revisit is watching the scene the above image is from. Price’s speech there is amusing.

That said, this flick does have a special place in my heart. I watched it in my early days of film watching and, as stated, didn’t care for it at all. I thus came up with one of Cullen’s Bad Movie Rules: If you’re watching a film for a particular actor and that actor’s character dies, it’s okay to stop watching the flick.

The next movie I rented after Bloodbath at the House of Death?

Howling 2.

I spent the last half of that flick going, “Christopher Lee’s character is dead now, right? They’re going to find his corpse any minute now. Any minute. Now. Right?”

Of course, had I stopped watching I’d have never seen the music video at the end of the flick, and that would have been a loss.

Maybe.

Keep This Up and I’ll Be Dodging Falling Farm Houses

So Brother Todd and I are out in a Tornado Warning because of course we are. At QT filling his car with diesel. I’m inside grabbing drinks and what not.

By the time I’m ready to leave, the rain is coming down in rivers. That’s right, not sheets.

RIVERS.

I’m standing in the doorway, looking at this, and I can’t help remembering a SACRED VOW I made when I was around twelve years old. A Vow never to run through the rain.

We’re not going into the details on WHY I made that vow.

Let’s just say I was trying to redeem myself from being a snot nosed kid.

Anyway from that time till this I’ve never run through the rain.

And I wasn’t going to. I was going to walk calmly, coolly, collectedly back to the car like it was a clear blue day.

Only I stepped out and got slammed by a river. I think it was the Mississippi. Soaked almost immediately to the bone.

And I sez to myself, to myself sez I, “Screw this,” and ran to Todd’s car. Laughing at myself all the way.

Still laughing as I entered to car, I remind Todd about the Vow. He chuckled, as he was about to give me crap about it.

Thus I beat Todd to the punch. Nice change of pace.

You know what else would be a nice change of pace? Not being out in a Tornado Warning. This makes twice this year. Wise choices are not being made.

Gerry Conway Passed Away

Some deaths are a wee bit too important to me to let pass by. Gerry Conway’s is one of them.

From creating characters like the Punisher and Jason Todd (the second Robin in Batman) to writing stories such as The Night Gwen Stacy Died (which I hate), Conway has had an undeniable influence on the comics scene. He has also had an effect in a more mobile medium, like being one of the writers on the classic Sword and Sorcery flick Fire & Ice. Much of what I read and enjoyed about Spider-man he had a hand in.

That is not why I have to mention his passing.

The true reason is that he created Power Girl. And for some reason she’s my favorite Super Heroine.

Just… just not for the reasons you think. Really.

Anyways. Sad tidings. Conway, like Lee, Ditko, and Kirby, will live on through his works.

More on Kickstarter

Out of curiosity, I went out to find just how many Kickstarters I’ve backed.

Turns out seven. Here they are in order, with how they turned out for me:

  • Surprise! Four Secret Novels by Brandon Sanderson: I spent forty bucks on four E-Books and got them! Complete Success!
  • Armed Fantasia & Penny Blood: I spent ¥11,000.00/$80ish. These are video games done by two different companies. I was to get both digitally. There have been problems. Armed Fantasia seems to be getting towards the finish line. Penny Blood… not so much. The former is what I was really pulling for, so not too disappointed. Hope the Penny Blood guys can turn things around, but not expecting them to at this point.
  • Choose Cthulhu – Solitaire Gamebooks by Steve Jackson Games: I spent $48 on some good sized books. All are PDFs based on actual works of H. P. Lovecraft. Got them all. Haven’t read them all, but got them. Well done stuff. Complete Success!
  • Acquisitions Incorporated: The Series 2: A video series of people playing a RPG. Typical Cullen purchase. $26 spent. Might have the promised free novella. They seem to be having problems, too. These are the breaks.
  • Advanced Fighting Fantasy – Adventure Creation System: I spent £22.00/$29ish on rules to play Advanced Fighting Fantasy, a game I have, solo. I can’t make hide nor hare of anything while reading it. Must be getting old. Still, Complete Success!
  • Runa – turn-based fantasy game inspired by JRPG classics: Now these guys… these guys seem to have their act together. €45/$53ish and the game should come out this year. Constant updates. Very nice. Very professional.
  • Peasant: These are the guys that failed me. €35/$40ish down the drain. Some murmuring about it being a honest to goodness scam. Yikers! Failed, Failed, Failed.

So 3/7 out and out success, 2.5/7 still in the running (counting Penny Blood out, sorry guys), and 1.5/7 a disappointment. That doesn’t strike me as too bad.

A Kickstarter (Not Mine) Has Died

Back when I had money, I back several projects on Kickstarter. Today one of them gave up the ghost.

I find this sad. However, I gave them the money so they could try to succeed. They were a small group of people wanting to make something interesting, and I wanted to help. Which I did.

I do not regret giving them this chance.

I have another Kickstarter that’s been struggling (they seem near the finish line). A third that really seems to be going places. Two others that came through exactly as intended.

I never spent a lot on these guys. I do wish I had the money I gave them now that times are a little rougher. Still, it’s been interesting.